When things go wrong amongst friends

881: 

You know how it feels? You’re having a chat with a friend, and then, ‘BANG’, out of the blue, the atmosphere changes. I’ve touched on a raw nerve, perhaps. When I said “I’m vegan”, things changed. It’s as if a gun has been pulled during a fist fight. First priority might be to explain about being vegan, but maybe, right here and now, it’s not timely to start boasting. Maybe it’s best to do whatever we can to keep our friends on a friendly footing.

Perhaps when I tell you, “I’m vegan”, it doesn’t cause a stir. Not these days. Vegans aren’t that rare a species any more. But friends, the preciousness of friends must be considered, they are our lifeblood. I’ve lost a few, regrettably. If you have any good friends, some who like you, these same friends might be reluctant to discuss all this ‘animal’ stuff with you. They’ll think it’s ‘too close to the flames’. My own friends often suspect what I’m up to. They suspect, given the slightest excuse, that I’ll put the hard word on them. Imagine what does to friendships?

When they see me, I can imagine my omnivore friends thinking panic, foreseeing what I might say to embarrass them.  I try to pre-empt that, and now, these days, I find myself quite automatically steering my conversations side-ways. Just by their knowing me (as a vegan) I’ve already dropped my cluster bomb. I don’t always want to be associated with that. Sometimes it’s time to move on, to unrelated topics, when chatting with friends. And if a green light comes up, if the conversational-climate is right, I’ll talk about it, just as enthusiastically as a football fan will rave about the Match.

But last time we were together, I remember we were talking, and then hit a sticking point, a moment of embarrassment. I’d been passionately talking-down the use-of-animals ... and ‘BANG’ ... and then I remember I was back-pedalling like crazy, steering away purposely, with an intention to edge back later.

All this conscious and subconscious ducking and weaving is okay of course, it need be nothing more than a normal part of a conversation. It’s the same between friends, all over the world. It’s a dance of permission, between two or more people, allowing some things to be spoken about and others less so. There’s a whole accompanying language of signals and signs, showing if things have gone too far, or too quickly. It might seem subtle and yet we all do it all the time. We manoeuvre like this whenever we talk, especially when talking on a serious subject like this. Particularly when all arguments are highly contentious.

You and I are having this chat, it goes towards the animal-thing, and then, just as suddenly, I’m changing the subject, and you notice this, and later notice how I’ve craftily slid back to the topic, having been busily watching you all the time for permission to do just that. The animal-thing. It’s a subject for vegans which, for some of us, might seem to be the only subject worth talking about. To that end, I have devised all sorts of complex tactics. But, do they work? Am I trying to be too clever by half? Am I obvious?

Here we are, having a chat, and each attempting to out-manoeuvre the other. Nothing to get alarmed about. It’s just social intercourse taking place. But vegans always have an agenda. And we think we’re pretty crafty (catching y‎ou out, by doing the opposite of what’s expected). Are we winning the out-witting battle? Perhaps not. Our tactics stick out like sore thumbs. It’s all too easy to see through us. The omnivore (all of us in fact) is used to all approaches, whether it be the Jehovah’s Witness knocking on the door or professional salesman on TV ads. They’re wary of proselytizers. The omnivore is smart enough to spot us.