The Australian stoush

549:

If we get the ‘go-ahead,’ from someone were speaking to, to put our case forward, it implies they’re willing to listen. We may have their attention, but we might not have it for long. If we bore a listener, however much goodwill there is, we’ll be cut off. Permission and holding someone’s attention amounts to much the same thing.

            It’s different if they WANT to go through the issues, if their ear is willingly open or perhaps they signal that they’re ready for a full-on argument. Then we can talk. And if we both enjoy the struggle over the details, then we can both enter into the spirit of the thing, and be ready to get as good as we give. This is fighting without personal aggro, and yes, there’s tension and disagreement, but without any danger of personal disapproval or dislike creeping in. Then there’s nothing wrong with showing anger, as long as we’re acting it out, as parents sometimes do with kids, when the kids know the anger means nothing personal.

We can show, by our freedom of expression, a trust in the other person’s feelings towards us. It’s about mutual respect. It’s about having a well established egalitarian starting point, without which nothing can work.

In a good stoush there may be shouting and screaming, interrupting, conceding, ferocious points-of-principle hammered home, and all kept in balance by both parties when they are showing that they are sincerely searching out a point of common empathy or agreement.

To make progress in the face of disagreement we must never allow our stoush to deteriorate into quarrelling. Throughout, we continually confirm our mutual regard, as fellow travellers who are not wanting to score points off the other. We must continually emphasise the bond between us, leaving no room to get personal or become value-judging.

Unless we’re in control of a conversation in this way (on this difficult subject) it won’t get anywhere. Even with anger, if I don’t control it, it will control me. The Australian stoush is truly something to behold! It shows that below the rough exterior of one type of behaviour lies another that is sensitive to the feelings of the other.