The decision to 'go vegan'

I start the process of change. I latch onto this good idea and head directly into being vegan, non-violent, animal friendly, green, world transforming, ideal, and everything else indisputable! But I know that once started, I must continue with it or I'll feel like a failure.Definitely I want to leave violence behind me. I want to become a peaceful person. But how do I deal with the "feelings" of violence, woven so tightly into my personal experience and social culture? I’m overwhelmed by the difficulty of dropping it entirely. I aim to be clear of it all; no less than celibate with regard to animal abuse.I take on a vegan diet. I chuck out my leathers, and so on. The idea continues to inspire me. But what about my "feelings"? It may be a good idea in theory, but is it going to make me "feel" better? I have doubts, not about the principle, but about the practice. And that’s where having some sensitivity is a boon and yet also a burden. Great to reach this far, but am I making a rod for my own back? I want to toss this idea of veganism about, let it settle into my life, live with it, let it be known in my social group, without worrying about what others may say … and then I can feel comfortable with it. Then I can handle the inevitable flak.So, I decide to give up eating unethical stuff and that makes me think well of myself. So far so good. I get ready to change. But it’s hard, slow work because I can’t see any wheels turning or any momentum building. I’m impatient, waiting for things to happen. I want everyone to become supportive. And I know that’s unrealistic. I feel I’m wading through treacle, in a state of ever-increasing social isolation. Oh the burden of it all!But the benefits. On the plus side I get a surprise, in finding the change of diet isn’t such a big a problem after all. Well, not to me anyway. This diet switch is surprisingly easy (and that’s what I’d been dreading all along!) With some new products in the cupboard and a few new recipes, I soon come to like the different food and not miss the animal-stuff I once enjoyed eating. But there are other difficulties that need to be mentioned. Unforeseen ones. I worry about my resolve. It might fade before the new lifestyle kicks in. So I’d better go carefully and maybe change incrementally. Trouble is, I probably know a few people who have gone half way and never progressed much beyond that, which is a truly sad position to find yourself in. So, on thinking about it, as I head towards being vegan, I might decide to go in full bore. I’ll use sheer will-power, anything to get to the ‘other side’.Some people are gradual changers and some are more sudden. But whichever way works best foodwise, there are other substantial issues still to face. A newish feeling, how we feel when we begin to notice when something is missing, like losing something we’ve come to rely on. Like the acceptance of people, who now think we’ve gone a bit weird. And our comfort foods, gone! But hey, what's this next one? Seems to have come out of left field … seems as though, along with food and wardrobe, there’s other junk in the cupboard, like our favourite jar we keep full of value judgments. I might have really enjoyed my judgment-making. Perhaps that’s part of why I wanted to go vegan in the first place, to feel better than other people. And now . . . they look a bit rancid. A bit like the nasty poisonous things I've been chucking out.So, if I'm beginning to eat clean, why not start thinking a bit cleaner too? Lessen my reliance on making judgements and enjoying my little superiorities?As vegans we experience change on various levels when we start this product boycott. We face the tension that exists between our deepest passion and our patience. Some of us have to face up to addictions. And some of us have to acknowledge failure too. And whilst, in the beginning, veganism seems like such a good idea, it still needs to be reinforced regularly, to withstand the cold winds of criticism or the drag-down inertia of the conventional world.As an evangelist for veganism I’d want to say “it’s worth it: go vegan. It’s not that hard at all”. But in truth, it’s bloody hard. At least for some of us. But, all the same, certainly worth it.