1028:
As I start the process of change, I latch onto a number of
things all at once, sparked by this one good idea; I’m heading directly into
being vegan ... and that suggests being non-violent, animal friendly, green and
everything else indisputable! But how will I be able to keep it up, knowing
that if I can’t, I’ll hate myself.
Certainly I want to leave violence behind me, I want to
become a peaceful person. But, to be honest with you, I still have feelings of
violence. In our society, it’s not difficult to be at the consumer end of the
Animal Industry, where we are never confronted by what’s happening behind the
scenes. The violence is largely hidden. My own violent feelings (or my
condoning the violence against animals) are woven into me just as they’re woven
into the social culture? If I don’t like it and want to separate myself from it
I know that I will have to start somewhere. Being linked with any part of the
Animal Industry makes me party to animal abuse, so I know I must be ‘celibate’ in
that regard. If I’m sure that I want to move away from violence, the first and
most obvious starting point must lead me to a vegan diet. And it has to go
further. I must end my love affair with my leathers ... and so on.
Having jettisoned these animal-derived items from my life, I
am released. No more connections. Being vegan, the idea continues to inspire me.
But I now feel a sense of loss. I seem to have lost things, like my favourite
breakfast, my favourite leather jacket and plenty more. I’m now wondering if
I’ve gone too far, and asking myself if all this ‘giving-up’ is making me feel
better.
My doubts aren’t over principle but practice - have I made a
rod for my own back? I started this process-of-change by eating only ethical
stuff, and wearing only what was cruelty-free. And it did make me think well of
myself. So far so good. But then I wanted more, I wanted support. I wanted my
friends to think well of me for doing all this. And that’s where I found a
rather nasty and unexpected trip wire. I had unrealistic expectations. I wanted
approval from those who had no sympathy for my ‘process of change’, because
they weren’t prepared to consider going so far themselves.
It came back again to my doubts, about whether I could keep
it up, this change. Going solo isn’t easy. I wanted just a little encouragement
from others. I didn’t want to be wading through treacle. I wasn’t prepared for
such social isolation. Was this inspiring idea of ‘going vegan’ beginning to feel
like a burden?
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