Avoiding fighting

991: 

To avoid an exchange of views turning into a fight we must examine our motives.  I have to ask myself just one honest question - was this intended to be a casual chat about whatever arises spontaneously or did I manipulate it?  Did I start out with an agenda?  Was I trying to steer the conversation towards this one fundamental difference, in order that I could make a speech?  Did I ever consider how the other person might feel if I confronted them?  Was I, in fact, looking for a fight?

           

If I wanted a show-down then, however good my arguments might be, I’d always be intending to put them on the defensive.  In return, they’d be wanting to burst my bubble.  Even if I’m not a bully, even if I’m as nice as pie, this subject (ethics of animal food, farms and slaughtering) is not a lightweight subject.  It’s about one’s deepest, most profound outlook on life.  It points to how kind-hearted we are or how cold hearted we can be.

If people feel generally okay about their own life, if they see themself as a kind person, they will expect others to recognise that in them.  So, if I come along and suggest that they are not at all a nice person, then my tone alone will give me away, sounding like a personal attack.

Perhaps that’s not what’s going on in my own head.  I’m probably saying to myself that if my arguments are water-tight, then surely anyone hearing them will have to agree.  But no. It’s not likely they’ll pick up this ‘good idea’ of mine just because I’ve hit them over the head with it.  People have learnt to stand up for themselves and stand firm against anyone who attacks them, however correct their arguments.  They’ll be searching around in their heads for the sharpest words, to defend themselves. That’s a long way from exchanging views and learning from each other.