The stouch

Tuesday 19th October 2010
If we get the ‘go-ahead,’ from someone were speaking to, to put our case forward, it implies they’re listening. We have their attention, but we might not have it for long. Permission, attention, it amounts to much the same thing. It’s different if their ear is willing. Then we can talk to them about what’s happening. And if we have to struggle with them over the details, all the better to get the grey matter moving. If permission is granted, if they enter into the spirit of the thing, we can go for it and give as good as we get. This, in Australia, is called a ‘stouch’ (fighting without personal aggro). And yes, there’s tension and disagreement ... but never even a hint of personal disapproval or dislike. Never any to-the-death damage.
(Oh, the Australians, don’t get me started on these beautiful, egalitarian people.)
Elsewhere in the world, and here too, there’s anger. “But”, you may say, “Anger Schmanger ... there’s nothing wrong with anger as long as you don’t mean it”. Yes. True. If we’re acting out anger, as parents do sometimes when they’re corralling the kids, it can work like a treat ... but only if the kids know where they stand with their relationship with the ‘angry’ parent. It’s the same with adults, we can say what we like to each other as long as we have an egalitarian starting point. That means having some genuine, mutual regard. Without that key element all bets are off. We can lose all round if we insist on ‘bringing light to the omnivore’.
Once a good stouch is set up though we can give it all we’ve got and get it back too. Shouting and screaming, interrupting and conceding, making room for ferocious points-of-principle - all put into balance because, at the same time, we are still be looking for some point of empathy. To make progress through so much undergrowth and disagreement there has to be something. Something we can find, to praise or recognise in the other person. In that way our stouch never deteriorates into quarrelling because we keep confirming our kinship. We’re all fellow travellers here. Probably we each feel marginalised in some way, perhaps even in a similar way, enough to form a bond, on some level.
Why bond? because when we do we leave ourselves no room to get personal or become value-judging. Unless we’re in control of our anger it will be in control of us. The Australian stouch is something to behold! But unfortunately, if aggro emerges to kill off the stouch it brings an end to conversation. It’s never productive.